The following is from the paper journal I started today. Updates here on out will most likely be transcribed from that journal. I don’t know why… but I find it easier to write on paper. The computer screen is just too blinding!

After reading my old journals, the ones that spanned from 1998 to 2006, it made me consider journaling once more. Even though my younger writing was tinged with immaturity, it holds a… spark. A certain spark that my writing now seems to lack. I don’t know what’s missing from the equation now. Is it because I’m not depressed? Is it because I’m not riddled with self-loathing? Is it because I’m no longer dependent on Jacky? What? What changed?

I had an awkward grasp on language when I was 19, but it’s this awkward grasp that made my writing so interesting. I just let the words flow without much thought. I most definitely did not self-censor. I guess when you become an adult that’s one of the first lessons you learn: watch what you say and how you present yourself to others, lest you fall down, down, down.

I watch what I say too often. I do nothing about it.

I want to regress a little, let my feelings and raw emotions dictate my writing. I can always go back and edit if need be. What’s stopping me?

Read more

Zero People Love Me

Written with a Bic by Nichole.
Filed away under books, paper journal, rambling, starving artist, writing, zine

When I was younger I idolized three game composers: Nobuo Uematsu, Yasunori Mitsuda and Yoko Shimomura. Their works were something amazing, something that went beyond the bloops and bleeps of 8-bit music. Magical, ethereal compositions of electronic goodness. I didn’t find out about Yoko Shimomura until later in 2000, when I played Legend of Mana. I fell in love with her music right away. It was the song “Moonlit City Roa” that did it for me. I have a weakness for cellos.

Not to mention that Yoko Shimomura is a hugely successful woman in a male-dominated industry; that was big for me growing up. It gave me hope that I could one day be just as great a composer as her.

I didn’t take the path of music early in my adult life, but who is to say that I can’t take it later. :)

While I’m still in love with Ms. Shimomura, I’m still quite smitten with Shoji Meguro and his battle themes from the Shin Megami Tensei games. There is just something about electric guitars and a dance beat that gets to me. He also does good with jazz and piano pieces. What a man. What a man.

2 Shout Outs

Written with game music in my headphones by Nichole.
Filed away under starving artist, video, video games, writing

Yeah, the title says it all.

To start, I woke up late due to two factors: going to bed at 2 a.m. and the wonderful practice known as Daylight Savings Time. So once I crawled out of bed at 11 o’clock, nearly half of my day was already gone. I’m not going to berate myself over it though, like I normally would. It’s Sunday. I’m allowed a day to recharge and slack. It’s very much needed.

I read over my journal for a couple hours while I waited for my laundry to wash and dry. Took more notes. I’m nearly done with the year 2001 and as I begin to ease on into 2002 I’m sure I will find even more events, thoughts and feelings to write about. It’s strange reading back on some of this stuff. I was depressed, granted, but I was also very much over dramatic.

November 2nd 2001

I’m horrible. I’m horrible.

My head is a mess, a huge wash of indescribable sound. Voices and screams. Metal scratching on metal. How blatantly obvious.

Maou said that humans were trite.

Are we? Do we always fall into the same traps over and over again without learning a single thing from the past? Or is it just a quality that is stuck within my soul. That lusting for the wicked. Insipid. How disgusting. But you can’t refute solid facts. I crawl and crawl carpet and nail with head up-lifted. Eyes glazed and—

Shoot me.

“What fun would that be?”

I’m not too sure, but you enjoy my falling and suffering.

“It would be a lie to say otherwise.”

But demons lie.

I like watching my Sims do crazy things. I trapped some neighbors in the pool so they’d die; my teenager wanted to see a ghost, so I thought I would make a couple for her. It was fitting, I thought. I think the Sims would make a pretty hilarious horror movie if done right.

WE CAN’T GET PAST THIS FENCE!

I need to work on my writing some. I’m too stuffed with minimalism. Maybe I can try my hand at putting together a local writer’s group. A way to hone our writing skills, that would be something fun to do for sure. I wonder where I can start.

Tomorrow is Monday, and it will be time to get to work.

2 Shout Outs

Written with an idea or three by Nichole.
Filed away under starving artist, writing