Jinked

Rahsaan is one of my best friends, and as should be expected of all best friends, he grounds me. He isn’t shy to tell me I’m completely out or line or when to quit something, like ragging on myself. We are our toughest critics, everyone says this, but maybe I’m more than just tough on myself. Sometimes it feels like I’m unforgiving.

My life feels like it’s in a constant state of flux, and this feeling at the back of my mind pushes me to do even more. Accomplish more. Start this. Finish that. More, more, more! Sometimes (and I realize how silly this sounds) I feel like I have to prove myself, and the way I can do that is with my accomplishments and successes. I know it’s not true, but knowing something empirically and believing something are two different things for me. It’s a difficult thing. Not impossible, but very trying. I’m slowly working on this.

Last night Rahsaan told me to make a list of everything I had done since I quit my job in February. So here you are, buddy. A list.

• Wrote, designed and produced 5 zines
• Started my memoir thing and am over 30,000 words in
• Started journaling on paper again
• Read a lot of books
• Blogged about my on-going writing journey
• Started practicing lucid dreaming
• Told my mother some secrets
• Completed 3 freelance web projects
• Finished a 4-week web development contract
• Went on adventures with my friends

That’s really all I can think of right now. I guess when I put everything in a list, it does look more impressive. It also looks like it would take more than six months to do all that. Still, there is so much more I want to do, and even more I want to finish. Maybe I have too high of expectations for myself, or short change myself on time allotted. I have no problem pushing myself. I have a problem acknowledging my limitations as a human being.

I should look into becoming a robot. Cyborg maybe? That’s something worth considering. (Just kidding guys.)

Good exercise, Rahsaan. Thanks for suggesting it and talking some sense into me last night. Much appreciated, but since you are my friend, you are obligated to do it. Hee hee. Oh the magic of lists!