Today was a day of ups and downs. It’s fitting; I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster lately.

When I had my job, if things were bad and never looked like they were going to get any better, I could always blame work for my sour mood. It was a scapegoat of the utmost convenience, and looking back I kind of actually appreciate it being there to punch into a bloody pulp. But now that I work under the watchful eye of myself, I’m the one to blame for a less than cheerful mood.

I’m very tired. I never seem like I’m doing enough, that I can always do more. If I push and push and push, I can get things done. I can realize my dreams and live happily ever after. I know I’m too hard and ask entirely too much of myself (my mother has pointed this out which makes me a little reluctant to talk about it), but it’s something I cannot help. I’ve lived most of my life this way. This flaw has always been a part of me. I want to be the best. I want to outshine others. I want to succeed.

But success does not necessarily equal happiness. I believe that’s why I’ve always been a little bit miserable inside.

I want to make everyone proud, show them all that I can do this. That I can do what I set out to do and be successful at it, but I’m beginning to doubt. I know I can’t fail, but I still see failure creeping outside my window, knocking on the glass. It wants in. I don’t let, but I can’t help but look at it. I really don’t know what to do to make it go away.

I feel very alone. Disoriented. This is a time where I desperately miss Jacky.

I’ve been thinking about Always Chasing the Child since yesterday. I think upon reading Lord Sunday, my passion for fiction will be rekindled. I’ve been caught up in so much non-fiction lately, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to lose myself in another world.

Garth Nix has always been an inspiration to me. To this day, he’s been one of my favorite authors. If anything can rekindle any sort of passion in me and my writing, it’s his work.

Reading that, it makes me a little sad. I should be able to spark passion within myself.

3 Shout Outs

Written with a dizzy head by Nichole.
Filed away under books, introspection, starving artist, video, writing

Apparently I’m still stuck in 2009. That error is now fixed.

I’m glad to have finished my zine. Now I’m just waiting to print it off with Rich whenever he’s ready for me. I can’t wait to give it out to people. It’s like leaving little pieces of me, little stories of my life, all over the place for people to think about and enjoy. It’s an amazing feeling.

A not-so-amazing feeling is one I get when I’m starting a new project. I have one on the horizon and my stomach is twisting little tiny knots. I don’t know why. I always dread starting something knew. Maybe it’s all the unknown factors that go into starting a new piece of work. It’s like looking into a void: very scary. Who knows what sorts of things will come out.

I attempted to wrap up my short story, “Will,” this afternoon, but fought with it like some unruly, disobedient child instead. I feel like I wasted nearly two hours. Two hours for eight hundred words. That’s pitiful. Sorry Zach.

Tying up loose ends is not my forte. I feel like I have written myself into a very dark corner filled with dust and cobwebs and I have to sneeze. I play too much with implication.

3 Shout Outs

Written with vigora by Nichole.
Filed away under books, starving artist, video, writing, zine

Rahsaan was my buddy today and bought me pizza. I feel like a mooch, but I know he doesn’t have to do it. I’m loved.

The zine is coming along fantastic, and will be finalized tomorrow. I’m so excited.

The first run of the zine, Rich is letting me use the photocopier at his church. I figure that will be the batch I give away to people, because I know there is at least a handful of folks who want to read it. I also want to sell the zine, probably for $1 (plus postage, if necessary), but those I will run off at the library or the university or something. I don’t want to make money off Rich’s generosity.

I’m hoping to read tomorrow. I haven’t read a book in almost a week, and I’m itching to start anew. Yay for books!

Also, thinking about my next zine and wrapping up that short story I started. Woo!

2 Shout Outs

Written with cramps by Nichole.
Filed away under starving artist, video, writing, zine