The bills came today – Day 22
March 1st, 2010
The beginning of the month is when nearly all my bills are due, so needless to say today was a bit depressing. I know I’m fine, but I will always be a little money-paranoid.
Another note of frustration, my health insurance premium wasn’t pulled from my account today, so I don’t know if I made the 3/1 deadline for no lapse in coverage. If this is the case, I either have to take COBRA for the month of March or hope I am accepted soon and have no pre-existing conditions that the insurance won’t cover. I’ll call my broker tomorrow. I really don’t want to take COBRA. It’s so expensive.
Sigh.
This end-of-the-month / first-of-the-month stress has been affecting my sleep lately too. I keep having nightmares and waking up all sweaty and cold. Last night I dreamed of a boyfriend I had in high school. Another night I dreamed I was running away. I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a pleasurable dream or even a happy one. I think I’m broken.
Today I spent eight hours writing and editing fic for a friend. I can’t do anything with it because it’s fan fiction, but it helped ease the stress of today and gave me time to work on my writing. It was very hard to write today. I’m disappointed in me.
The whole food exploration of the piece later twisted into a deranged allusion to Helen of Troy. A woman is the catalyst to war and ruin. Feminists would have a field day reading my work, let me tell you. I certainly can’t cash in on them. Maybe I’d get some flames.
I don’t know why, but I get a thrill writing from the viewpoint of chauvinistic, even misogynistic men in some sort of patriarchy. Do a lot of women like writing that kind of stuff? Maybe I was destined to be a man back in Greek times or something. Who the hell knows. I don’t.
I like writing fic because I like structure. I’m working within a wire frame that I cannot change, but within it I am given free reign. I write better with a set of ground rules. Here are your characters. Their history. Their people’s history. This tyrannical entity and all its greatness. All its faults. Now use it to tell a different story.
I’ll do better tomorrow. Promise.
