All we are is dust in the wind.
August 24th, 2009
I think almost everyone does a little soul searching while listening to “Dust in the Wind.” I’ve been doing that a lot lately (the soul searching, not listening to “Dust in the Wind”). Been thinking about… everything lately. My life and who I am. Where I am going. My job. My maternal instincts or sometimes, lack of. If I should date. If I should even care about being alone.
I’ve always had this horrible, vile habit of comparing myself to other people. You’d think that if I knew that it was such a bad thing I would work to break that habit. But, like a smoker strung out on a nicotine fix, I can’t help but do it… all the time. And every time I compare, I’m always the one that comes out filled with inadequacy. And then I work harder to fix everything about me that’s inadequate. I want to be the best. I want to be better than I am now.
A lot of the times I look at myself and my position in this life, and it ends up seeming like none of it matters. All we are is dust in the wind. I have moments where I feel really good, where I feel like I’m doing something that matters and will benefit mankind in some small way. But as with the nature of balance, there are those moments where I feel like the dirt beneath someone else’s feet.
I haven’t written fiction in a long time. A very long time. People go through dry spells, I know, but this kills me. I’ve always identified as a writer. I could always tell a story about even the smallest things and make it interesting. But now, it doesn’t happen anymore. My mind doesn’t function the way it did when I was 20. It was always a nightmare for me to lose the ability to tell a creative story, and now that it’s happening… it makes me feel like shit.
I have these dreams of waking up one morning, getting in my car and just driving away somewhere. I don’t know where, but I know I would drive as far as I possibly could. That way no one would find me, and I would be far away from everything that’s hurting me right now.
But I can’t. I’m too responsible for that.
You’re not shit, Nichole.
If you want to rekindle that creative spark—do some improv games. It forces you to live in the moment, listen to your partner(s), and push the story forward.
In fact…I’m going to call you right now to do a two person story!
I think everybody struggles with this at times. So you’re not alone. Just do more of the things that make you feel good about yourself.
I wish I had my solidarity icon from LJ here. This. I know this so deeply, it was like listening to myself say it.
I think it’s normal for us to compare ourselves against others. In sociology or social-psychology they have entire fields of study devoted to it! I once thought of making it my academic career!
Don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re shit or lesser than others. It’s all relative.
I’m not sure if improv is the way, although others will surely point towards it, but to me you seem like a very creative person. I used to be all about writing when I was younger, but around age 20, I too, fell out of it for some reason. I set my sights elsewhere, and delved into scholastic pursuits and other passions (such as theory in feminism and pedagogy). My friend Lauren is one of the best fucking writers I know in regards to prose and academic works, but she too has seemed to be in a slump the past several years.
I read somewhere that “writers write”. Even if it isn’t what you’re wanting to write, I think just exercising that creative muscle will help. You’ve been keeping up on this website, that’s something. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself and I’m sure you’ll find your muse again!