Jinked

Anxiety. Fear. Avoidance. What the hell happened to me?

I like when I’m busy because I don’t have the time to think about things that bother me.

Being busy is great though, and being busy stirs all the happy in me, coating my insides with that warm, cozy feel-good feeling. I imagine it like warm chocolate drizzled over vanilla ice cream. Cherry on top.

Right now I’m doing the two things I love (writing and web development), meeting new people, working in a different and awesome work environment for the next two weeks, going all sorts of fun places, and making future plans that may involve riding in a hot air balloon with a friend from college. When I have this much going on, when there is all this amazing stuff happening in my life, I wonder if I’m just overreacting about the other things.

I was going to add the word “little” in there, but that’s not right. Avoiding intimate relationships is not just another “little thing.”

I was thinking today (oh no that’s dangerous!) that when people are deathly afraid of flying or heights or public speaking, it’s easy to get in those uncomfortable situations to work cognitive-behavioral magic. With me though, I’ve been wondering how easy it will be to get into the situations that make me uncomfortable.

I don’t want to date frivolously, getting close to anyone who will take me because that’s just not right on other psychological levels. Besides,I don’t picture myself as the type of person to just throw myself at someone for the sake of conquering my fears. With sex, it’s the same thing. I don’t want to walk around like some two-dollar hooker showing leg, looking for encounters just so I can practice altering my thoughts about sex into something more positive.

It’s interesting. Sex as an act doesn’t spike my anxiety. I can watch porn no problem. Hell, I’ve written some of it, shared it with friends, even had it published in fan zines for the whole world to see. That doesn’t bother me. It’s the thought of myself getting close, getting intimate and sealing the deal that shuts me down. Sex involving me evokes something. I can’t even practice in a fantasy environment because it doesn’t trigger the same kind of debilitating anxiety.

I have a feeling this is all going to take a very, very long while to work through. I hope that when I finally stumble upon someone who wants to give me a chance they are patient with me. The potential of me screwing up is quite high. Ask Pierre. Ask anyone who’s ever tried to date me. I cut things off way too soon because I get scared.

Those patient people are few and far between.

Photo credit: WTL photos