Coming to terms – Day 08
February 15th, 2010
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I went to bed very late and woke up early this morning because of it. My mind was swimming with possibility. Consequences. A smidgen of regret.
I went through most of today in a haze of thought. It was gray. It was like that outside as well, only there was snow.
I spent 10 hours going through old writings. Making a video. Concocting some semblance of a design piece. I was frightened. Scared. But in the end, I feel…
…at peace.
Wow. That was a powerful piece. I found the ending, with all of the jump cuts, to be very moving.
I must admit, I had no knowledge of Jacky. I never remember reading any of your writings where Jacky was included.
Looking back, we were too distant growing up to share this particular connection.
I will try harder to connect with you now. =)
Great courage and candor. I think that you will find that you are not alone in how you dealt with certain aspects of your life. Maybe writing about it you will help others to know that they too are not alone. I think that we all have parts of ourselves, be it how we think, feel or act about certain things, that we ourselves think may not be “normal” (i really dislike that word). I think that those parts get hidden and that is why they take on what we believe to be an “abnormal” quality. We might be surprised to find that many people think, feel or act in a fashion similar to us, but they too keep it to themselves.
Thank you for sharing that part of yourself with us. I know it wasn’t easy. I am so very proud of you Nichole. I love you my very precious daughter.
Mom
“Fuck I just want to be okay in general. I don’t want to feel this paranoia rise up and freeze me within seconds. I don’t want to have Roj echo in my head and try to calm me down just so I can do every day things. I don’t want to need him but at the same time I don’t want him to ever leave.”
“I need you to talk to me. I need you there. I need you for so many things.
Yeah but if I was to merge with you then you would not have that same level of insecurity. You wouldn’t need me to be there for reassurance. You would be happy, healthy and have confidence. You would own the characteristics that I have that you depend on for security. You wouldn’t need me in the same sense.”
It’s kind of funny when you think about it, what great lengths someone will go to protect themselves. The conjuring of a defense mechanism can be so abrupt and it is rarely seen for what it really is by the person who created it until they are already dependent upon it.
I agree with Zach, the ending was very powerful and well, I cried. I could hear my own voice in replace of yours in parts, I could hear Roj’s name when Jacky was mentioned. I think the similarities scare me sometimes.
I have letter’s from you littered with Jacky’s name, letters you used to leave on my pillow. I remember talking to Jacky once, and having to call Courtney.
I am happy that you were able to share this intimate part of your life with me. I know what it is like to be terrified to tell someone in fear that they will think you are crazy. You told me you didn’t feel crazy talking about it to me and I am so very glad I was able to make you feel ‘sane’. There is a difference in explaining something to someone who is unable to relate and can only offer sympathy and talking to someone and only needing to say a few words before you can see in their eyes that they already understand.
The ring you gave me always reminds me of the connection we have, I hope yours does something similar.
It’s late and I am starting to ramble. I love you Nichole, I am glad you were able to share such a huge part of your life with the ‘world’. It took guts, but I am glad you were able to tame your fear and share this. I hope you do make some sort of project out of all this. Know I am behind you every step of the way. And I hope it brings closure to you if you still need it.
Your little sister,
Ana
You shouldn’t have any regrets, any fear about whether or not you’re accomplishing everything you set out to do in a particular day, or any concern about whether you made the right choice in doing what you’re doing. You’ve given yourself the opportunity to do something that you really want to do. Embrace it, enjoy it, and delve into it with everything you have, but don’t forget to just be yourself. One day you’ll look back on this whole thing and realize how great it was… and you’ll wish that you could do it again. Quit worrying so much and just let the creativity flow.