I need a peppy pick-me-up. – Day 126
June 14th, 2010
Maybe it was the gray day or a gray mood or things just turning gray from the weekend, but I was a little more than disconnected from my mind today, which isn’t all that great considering today was also the first day of my on-site contracting job. I did my best though. I worked hard, despite some jQuery frustration and pondering the legalities of @font-face. I put in nine hours of work. Things will get better; I just have to get better myself.
I also need to get better about eating. Not what I’m eating but eating in general. I’m not hungry anymore, and sometimes I put off eating so I can do “one more thing.” It’s that steady climb to the insurmountable peak of perfection. I hardly feel it in my stomach. I worry a little about not getting enough protein, since my meat consumption has gone way down. I make it a point to eat nuts and beans and legumes, but I know it isn’t the same. I don’t care what any vegetarian says.
I’ve been writing, editing and finding things. Why do I keep finding things? Stop looking back because the past is never going to change. What am I expecting to get by dissecting it all the time? Some sort of closure? A reward?
Now that people know, now that I’m laying my insides out for the world, I feel like I have made a mistake. Did opening myself up allow me to complain more? Dwell on it more and talk and write and draw about things I’ve kept hidden for what seems like forever? I don’t want to complain or seem helpless. I don’t ever want to be a burden to anyone, nor do I want to come off as some attention-starved psycho bitch hung up on childhood. It’s true. In this one small area of my life, I never grew up. It makes me feel less-than adequate. A child.
I’m working hard to change my thoughts and behaviors, I really am. But it’s so difficult. I know maybe what an addict feels like. I can acknowledge the problem, I know it isn’t good for me, but I still have a hard time breaking the habit. A piece inside me doesn’t even want it broken. What’s the harm? It’s only something my mind dreamed up.
I’m going to be brazen and say it, but I think battling a drug addiction would be easier than this.
Nichole I remember when I first started coming out and talking to people about my childhood problems, things that I had held inside for 8 years. For the first few months it was really hard, I felt depressed, I started thinking about everything bad, and started feeling depressed, and I was not a fun drunk to be around for a while cause all liquor would do was make me fall deeper into my depression. But I learned you will have that downfall but after you have gotten it all, have fought those demons, you will feel so much better. At least that’s how I felt. I finally can talk about things w/ out it being so painful and I don’t blame myself. Course you can’t make it go away forever, you will think about it once in a while, but it will not be the same. You need to be strong chica, and look forward not back. :-) I know you can do it! Believe in yourself!
What you get is a better understanding of who you are and why you act the way you do. Then, if you want or need to you can change your behaviors accordingly. You’re finding out what makes Nichole, Nichole! And that’s ok, that’s good. Revisiting things will always happen, what will change is how you feel about the things you revisit. The more you understand, the more you grow, the better you become!
Sometimes in order to move forward you must look backward. If there are things in the past that you feel you need to attend to that’s okay. The past can give us clues to the present and help us with our future. No, you can’t change the past, but you can learn from it.