I spent seven hours today coding. I learned some useful PHP that makes building sites (especially large ones) even easier, and I fiddled with some fun jQuery plugins. When I have some free time I would like to learn how to make some of my own, or at least learn some of the basics. Some people learn languages like Spanish and Japanese to enrich themselves; I like learning the programmings languages a little bit more.
To get out of the house, I went to lunch with Marisol and Mary at that newish cafe in Valpo. It’s located in the place that Mezza used to be. I got some nice flavorful tea. There was a woman barbecuing on the patio of the cafe. I want to go back on a day when they have ribs and wings. Wings and summertime just go together. So good. It would be even better if they served beer alongside it, but I don’t think they have a liquor license.
In the mail today I received a nice card and a mini zine from my friend Sandy. The zine was about the friends in her life she’s had to let go. I have a handful of those in my own life history, some of the breaks messy and others not so much. Maybe one day I will write about them.
In therapy yesterday I was given some homework. I like homework. I mean, I was actually excited to get it. I got a book and was given some chapters to read. This is the approach we’re going to take I think as I continue on, and even though I was told not to do any of the worksheets, there was one I’ve started doing mentally. It’s a 24-hour chart to record events, like what activity you’re doing at that time, and then an area to rate your depression in the course of that hour. I believe it’s called Activity Scheduling.
While I’m not keeping a 24-hour chart, it made me think about how I act when I’m depressed. I shut myself away. I don’t answer the phone. I don’t leave my apartment. I barely eat. However, if I give myself a push to do something I like, even just for one hour, I feel better. And even if the activity wasn’t as fun as it used to be (when I wasn’t feeling so blue), I sort of see it as, “At least I went out and did something and felt a tiny bit better. At least I wasn’t at home dwelling on my misery.”
I wondered if I was just covering up the source of my anxiety and depression by occupying my time, but then I thought, “What good does dwelling on your misery do? Why not go out and enjoy life, even if it’s just a little bit?”
I don’t want to be in therapy for the rest of my life. It’s already a little uncomfortable thinking about all these changes I have to make, especially in regards to things I have so much anxiety over that I just shut down, but I want to function again. I don’t want to be like this anymore, running scared and avoiding things forever. I don’t want my heart to race because of anxiety; I want it to race because I am so much in love.
Small steps today. Thanks Marisol, Mary, Sandy, HTML and CSS.
