Depressed? Go to church? – Day 164
July 22nd, 2010
I didn’t feel very warm and fuzzy after my appointment today. To be honest, I felt downright miserable. I don’t think I’m making much progress. If anything, I feel as though I’m regressing. Whether or not that’s normal, who knows, but it’s making me ask why I’m going in the first place.
I just sit there, quiet, with my eyes to the floor, wringing my hands. I can’t even talk about how I’m feeling anymore, and any time I feel something that is tied to a certain someone, I feel incredibly embarrassed. I say nothing. I still can’t trust many people it seems. Can’t even trust you guys, since I’m censoring myself right now.
This afternoon I felt helpless, and the first thing that came into my mind was, “Go to a church. Sit in a church and just let it all out.” Why that sounded like the right thing to do, I have no idea.
So I went to Our Lady of Sorrows off 700. I wanted to go somewhere that no one knew who I was. I had been there once with Mary for a service around Christmastime five or so years back. I chalked it up to a weird balance of familiarity and anonymity as the reason why I chose that church to sit in.
There was no one inside the chapel when I arrived. It was dark. The fans were off. The air was very still, but there were lighted candles on the sides, and I could see the altar. At the door was the holy water to bless yourself. I walked past it.
I sat in a pew, the third from the very back, and began to cry. I thought, “Why am I here? Why did I even come to this place?” I didn’t have tissues so I wiped my eyes and nose with the back of my hand. If I had sleeves I would have probably used those instead.
I felt different inside a church. Overwhelmed. There were stained glass windows along the walls of the chapel, colorful, geometric likenesses of different saints. I knew not a single one.
I sat and stared at the altar, talking to pieces of my self and thinking about things that are happening in my life. Not even a week has passed since the end of my contracting job and I feel isolated. If this keeps up I may start looking for a full-time job to quash these not-so-great feelings. That was the magical thing when I had a steady job. My mind was so occupied with work, I didn’t have time to think of anything else. It was a blessing.
Maybe I should start looking now, just in case. I don’t know. I don’t wish to jump the gun, and I would love to have finished one fricken writing project, but alas. Some things in life just don’t work out.
In conclusion, sitting in empty churches is good for reflection and introspection and all that jazz. I have a small snip of prose because of it.
I don’t find comfort in the politics and rhetoric spewed by many churches, but the buildings themselves? Oh yes. Comfort.
o sorry to hear your feeling sad again. I haven’t seen you in forever, we need to get together very soon! I know your not very religious but sometimes God speaks to us in his own ways. And maybe that feeling of going to a church was his way of calling to you. Maybe believing in something will inspire you to think positive and think that their is a plan for you! IDK but don’t feel sad, cheer up girly!
Wow Nichole, It’s takes courage letting us know this much. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m really hoping the best for you and I wish your trail of negative feelings extinguish soon. I’m here to help. Hit me up if you were wanna chat :-)
Nicole, I have only known you for a short while so if I may be so bold to comment…..you are a lovely girl. You are a great daughter, sister and friend to so many. Your passion for writing is something I admire so much, not to mention your superior baking and computer skills.
Please consider writing at least one positive thing about your life each day. Share it with us or don’t share it with us, it doesn’t matter. Nothing bad can come from a positive thought.
Also, just a suggestion, how about volunteering a couple hours a week until you get a full time job. One thing that comes to mind is going to a local nursing home (Whispering Pines is one) and asking if you can chat with the residents in their lobby. Maybe you can find one person that gets very few visitors. They are so lonely and remember “everyone has a book inside them” and maybe you can help them tell their life stories. Come back and write them for us as only you can do. I for one would love to read about your experience.
Take care and make it a Fabulous Friday,
Donna
You and I are similar in many ways.
Hi – have you told the person you go to that you’re having trouble opening up? Just putting that out there is a beginning. Even if it is already known by your body language, voicing it may lift a curtain.
Sometimes it takes many different therapists/psychologists etc… before you get to one that helps or makes you feel comfortable.
I’m with Marisol that God speaks to all of us in different ways. There is a reason you walked into that church. If that is the place you feel you can let go then continue.
I’m thinking of you! We need to get together next week… maybe start on the site for my art:)