I cannot tell the truth.
November 8th, 2009
I haven’t had a medium where I can be 100% truthful with what I write in a very long time. Not since high school and early into college.
I have all my “writing havens” on the internet, yes, but even then I need to be aware of the things I write. If I say the wrong thing, I may worry my family, my friends or my employer may misinterpret what I write if it is ever found. I fear a multitude of outcomes from all fronts.
Since about 2006 I’ve cocooned my emotions. I’ve been hyperaware of them. I’m no longer an anonymous face on the internet. I have to own up to the things I say, the things I feel.
I cannot be a writer when I am forced to censor myself for the sake of others.
I should buck up and say, “Who the fuck cares,” but I’m not like that. It hurts me. It makes me want to fold in on myself and vanish because I cannot say the things I really want to say.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to just being Eleene. No one really knew me. No one cared 100% for my well-being… and that served me well. I liked being a faceless nobody in some regards. I liked when my friends and family didn’t know about the blogs I wrote or the websites I kept. It made my writing easier. My life easier. I could be me; I could be free without worry or guilt or paranoia. I could talk about my problems and difficulties because I didn’t have to own up and explain why I feel the things I feel.
Fatal flaw.
Sometimes people need to get emotions out without any explanation. I don’t always like to explain. Not always. But getting things out is better than letting them fester inside.
I can only be myself in a paper journal no one will ever see… like the journals I had so long ago.
There are so many things I want to talk about, but can’t. My goal this year was to be more honest and true with myself and to others, but it looks like I’ve failed. I can’t do it. Not yet at least.
It’s one thing to expose yourself emotionally online where any random person can stumble across it… including friends and coworkers and extended family members, etc.
It’s another thing to be open and honest with a small group of close friends whom you know you can trust and “be yourself” with, people who will love and accept you and encourage you… or just listen.
I hope you have a couple of those friends, Nichole. If not, shoot me an email or something, and maybe I can be one of them.
sometimes i have the problem in trying to figure out what i want people to know and what i want to keep to myself. I want to share so much, but at the same time i know that it wouldn’t be good to blab it all.
sometimes it’s not what you say, but how you say it. if you can get savvy with being diplomatic, you really can be quite honest. :) brutally so, sometimes.
Dress up. Drive to a random city. Stop off at a diner/coffee shop. Chat with some of the locals. You can be honest with strangers you will never meet again.
That, or you could write on an anonymous blog or use a pseudonym.
Or, you could write me about whatever you like. It would be nice to know those sides of you, Nichole.
I love you!