“If you can’t stand the way this place is, take yourself to higher places.”
December 3rd, 2009
I’m glad this song is popular right now on the radio, because that line has pretty much become my mantra these past couple months. Granted, I’m probably skewing the original meaning of the song. I’m not looking to pull a 90-Day Jane or indulge in some illicit substance. Far from it. Very far from it.
I’ve been looking at my life a lot, reflecting on everything and realizing that as of right now, within this moment of time, I feel trapped. I look at snapshots of myself and I feel low and abandoned, not by those around me but by myself. I’ve given up on my dreams. My job… has me backed in a corner. What am I doing that’s of value to society with the job I have right now? How am I furthering mankind with my work? Am I educating at all? Am I preserving the arts? Am I throwing my lot into the pool for others to take up and learn?
The answer is always, “No.”
Like everyone else, I have romantic dreams, ones where I reach this higher, more Utopian-like place. A place where I’m writing, teaching children and young adults to love books. To love their writing. Love their unique literary voice. A place where I’m living a simple, modest life with only the things I need and nothing more. A place where I’m happy with the work I do.
I want to contribute somehow. Right now I’m so consumed by capitalism and helping Big Business make a quick buck that I don’t know what rock to lift to find what’s left of my broken dreams.
I’m tired. I’m so very tired. There have been many times these past couple months where I’ve wanted to give up altogether. Maybe it’s what I need to do… just say, “Fuck it, I’m going to try and find what remains and piece each hope back together again.” Easier said than done.
I need to grow a pair.
You’re awesome and I say go for it.
I’m missing one thing though. One rational thing: I need a backup plan for if / when I run out of money and can’t find a way to make enough to pay rent.
A pair of what?
A pair of ovaries?
You’ve got ‘em! Just need to flex ‘em!
;)
RE your comment ^
You can always come live with us!!
Two thoughts:
1. Lots of people volunteer as a way to give back. There’s a program at Parkview Elementary School here in Valpo called GIFTS that involves adults with Kindergarten students for 1 hour a week helping them learn to read. Sounds like it might be right up your alley!
2. As long as you have friends like Anne, you don’t have to worry about going through a transition period without much income. Stacey and I have had… let me see… 5 different friends live with us for anywhere from 3 to 16 months. It’s a good thing. :)
I agree with Rich: you should volunteer! It’s a lot of fun.
Let me know if you want help changing the world.