Lord Sunday – Day 26
March 5th, 2010
Today was a day of ups and downs. It’s fitting; I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster lately.
When I had my job, if things were bad and never looked like they were going to get any better, I could always blame work for my sour mood. It was a scapegoat of the utmost convenience, and looking back I kind of actually appreciate it being there to punch into a bloody pulp. But now that I work under the watchful eye of myself, I’m the one to blame for a less than cheerful mood.
I’m very tired. I never seem like I’m doing enough, that I can always do more. If I push and push and push, I can get things done. I can realize my dreams and live happily ever after. I know I’m too hard and ask entirely too much of myself (my mother has pointed this out which makes me a little reluctant to talk about it), but it’s something I cannot help. I’ve lived most of my life this way. This flaw has always been a part of me. I want to be the best. I want to outshine others. I want to succeed.
But success does not necessarily equal happiness. I believe that’s why I’ve always been a little bit miserable inside.
I want to make everyone proud, show them all that I can do this. That I can do what I set out to do and be successful at it, but I’m beginning to doubt. I know I can’t fail, but I still see failure creeping outside my window, knocking on the glass. It wants in. I don’t let, but I can’t help but look at it. I really don’t know what to do to make it go away.
I feel very alone. Disoriented. This is a time where I desperately miss Jacky.
I’ve been thinking about Always Chasing the Child since yesterday. I think upon reading Lord Sunday, my passion for fiction will be rekindled. I’ve been caught up in so much non-fiction lately, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to lose myself in another world.
Garth Nix has always been an inspiration to me. To this day, he’s been one of my favorite authors. If anything can rekindle any sort of passion in me and my writing, it’s his work.
Reading that, it makes me a little sad. I should be able to spark passion within myself.
“I can’t seem to get things straight. I’m very tired. I want to do something else. But I invested all this time into this story and I have to work on it over the weekend. It just sucks. I wish I could do better.”
Nichole. Fuck the story. If you don’t want to work on it, move on. Don’t dwell on something you don’t want to dwell on.
Create some more characters, another set of goals for them, and set them off on a journey to see what they can discover. Sometimes you have to just keep plugging along so you can create, create, create.
Don’t edit too much. You should send the story out to some people you trust and let us (I’m one, right?) decide if it needs to be reworked. ;-) If you look at a story after you just wrote it, you’ll have certain ideas in your head and I’m sure you’ll keep picking it apart over and over again.
It’s OK to move on to other projects. Don’t worry about the time you invested. It has been written. You can always revisit the work. It’s not gone. It’s not lost. Keep on creating! It sounds like that’s what you want to do.
Are you hung up?
I love you Nichole!
Nichole,
Please don’t ever censor yourself because of what other people say. Especially me.
What you feel is what you feel. That is what makes you you.
As for your story, put it aside for now. Come back to it later with fresh eyes. Take your brother’s advice and move on to something else.
The time you have spent has not been wasted. You have been creating and that is what is important.
I love you and I am always proud of you no matter what you are doing.
Mom
I agree with Zach. You should get someone else to edit your work also. Sometimes another person can give you suggestions that can take a story to another level or just help you confirm that you are going in the right direction. Don’t forget to take a step back sometimes. Also don’t be afraid to shake things up. Wake up late and work longer, or try some writing exercises. Walk the line.