Jinked

After taking care of things around the apartment this morning—cleaning, bills and whatnot—I decided to have an adventure at Uptown Cafe and write for awhile. I took one of my journals with me, because I wanted to get the next chapter of this memoir thing absolutely right. I stared at the blank pages for awhile, wondering how to write what I wanted to say. This was my time to write about my run-in with a girl who, for all intents and purposes, ran a cult and wanted to recruit me. Maybe unknowingly, but still, it happened. She was a very delusional girl.

I was nineteen at the time, a sophomore in college. I was also pretty depressed, often suicidal and very delusional myself. I wanted something to believe in because I really couldn’t believe in myself, so I created a world and people to keep me company. Looking back it was all one big coping mechanism, something completely normal (I think), and I’ve since worked hard to get through all the major stuff. However, it’s still kind of hard for me to talk about.

Talking does help though.

As I was writing I remembered the reason why I told this girl I could not drop everything to come stay with her and her “wife.” Later, when she tried to get me to move to England with her and her “friends,” I told her I couldn’t. It had nothing to do with not believing her lies. Like I said, I desperately wanted something to believe in, and if she really thought she was a video game character, whatever. That wasn’t it. It was my pathological fear of failure, of not amounting to anything in my life, that kept me from going. I told her I couldn’t leave because I had to graduate college. I had to go to class. I had to make something of myself to prove my worth. The money paranoia helped a little too.

This is one instance where I can say that one of my biggest flaws may have saved my life and/or my sanity. That was one crazy week of phone calls.

For as batshit crazy as she was, there’s something in me that hopes she’s now a little more grounded. That she’s won against her delusions, sort of like I had. I know she wasn’t a good person a lot of the time, and that she’d manipulated and took advantage of so many people, but I really like to think people can change. I really do.

I guess I’ll never know. I don’t even want to seek her out.